what is the good of your stars and trees, your sunrise and the wind

Title: 10 Reasons Why Everyone Thinks They're Gay For Each Other
Fandom: SGA
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Spoilers: None
Rating: G/light PG
AN: I referenced Torchwood and Smallville, but they aren't terribly important; though a basic knowledge of Torchwood is probably advised. (Just know that Jack/Ianto is a pairing in the show)



1.

Rodney's spoon missed John's fingers. Barely.

“Give me back my cupcake, you thief!”

Lorne rolled his eyes, watching them, and shook his head in fond bemusement as John grinned and licked all up the side of the cupcake and handed it back.

Rodney held up the cake to the light, looking in morbid fascination at the barely perceptible trail of dampness, glaring at the accompanying crumbs adorning John's mouth. He sighed irritably, then, love of chocolate overcoming fear of military cooties, he shrugged. “Not like I haven’t had your body fluids on me that are worse than saliva,” he said, and raised an eyebrow as Lorne choked on his laughter.

“What?!” John screeched, then winced at the decibel. “What?” He repeated, slouching down in his chair and glaring, reasserting his masculine masculinity. “McKay!”

“What what?” Rodney questioned, licking his lips to remove chocolate frosting. “Why are you glaring at me?”

Lorne held his hands up, smirking. “Hey, hey, Sir. It’s okay. I didn’t ask and you didn’t tell.”

“Oh! No, no, no, I meant- Colonel, tell him I meant just your vomit and your blood! Like on MX-0-candyland.”

“Hey! I thought we weren’t talking about that mission anymore!”

“Oh, please. Like I’d ever agree to that, Colonel Exorcist McVomit.”

2.

“No, no, you idiot! You can’t just plug and play, it’s not a toaster!”

“It could be a toaster,” John said reasonably.

“It’s not a toaster! Look at the striations along the side. It’s clearly the accompanying piece to the…look. It’s very complex science and you cannot possibly hope to understand the intricacies of Ancient tech.” Rodney blustered, gesturing rapidly with his hands.

“Oooh, yeah baby, I love it when you talk geek to me,” John joked, and smirked.

Zelenka stifled laughter into his coffee cup, turning away from the bickering couple. Pair. Whatever.

Rodney pointed at John accusingly. “This, this is why people think we’re hot for each other! It’s the idiocy and the hair and the leaning!”

John surreptitiously stood up from where he’d been slouched over a counter. “What’s wrong with my hair?”

3.

“I just think that Torchwood is cool, okay? The team with their different skills all coming together and fighting aliens, keeping the world safe.”

Rodney raised his eyebrow, tossing popcorn into his mouth. “Not that you’re projecting at all.”

“No, really, think about it; all of them are outcasts-”

“Except Gwen-”

“-and they band together to save the world, all relying on each other. They complement each other. And, their leader used to be military, so that’s always a plus.”

“That’s what this is about!” Rodney crowed, ignoring the amused smiles of his scientists. He straightened on his stool. “You like Captain Jack! You emulate him!” He lowered his voice. “You think he’s hot.”

John rubbed at the back of his neck awkwardly, red creeping into his ears. “That’s ridiculous! I do not!”

“Oh, you do too. And I can see it now! You’re both military idiots. Reckless, foolish, Kirk-wannabes. You both are clearly, clearly self-assured and arrogant, you both think you know best. You both command with crappy plans that somehow always work. You’re both insane flirts. You’re both-”

“-really hot?” Simpson finished, smirking wickedly.

Rodney glared at her. “I was going to say out of their depths and suicidal.”

Rolling his eyes, John crossed his arms across his chest. “Alright, fine. If I’m Captain Jack, that makes you, what, Ianto?”

All noise in the lab stopped, and at least ten pairs of eyes focused on John, as did minimum 10 smirks. “What?”

Rodney stared. “That makes me Tosh, you homo.”

4.

“Sleep now? Please?” Rodney muttered, pressing his face into Ronon's shoulder, staggering into him awkwardly.

Ronon grunted and closed his arm around Rodney's waist tighter, brushing against Teyla's arm where she was supporting him from the other side. “Yeah, McKay. Sleep.” He rumbled, shooting Teyla an amused smile as hurried footsteps sounded behind them.

“Hey, guys. Look, I can take him, you should go and get some rest yourselves,” John said, panting slightly, and he caught at Ronon's arm to make him stop.

Teyla returned Ronon's smile and tilted her head serenely towards John, leaning around Rodney's bulk. “It is fine, John. We are more rested than you, it is only sensible for us to ensure Doctor McKay’s return to his room.”

“No, really, it’s cool; my room is near Rodney, too. I’ll just drop him off then go and crash. No extra detour like you.”

Rodney lifted his head from where it was slumped on his chest, and he tiredly tried to take another step forward, despite his arms slung over Teyla and Ronon. “Sleeeeeep?”

“Yeah, buddy. Sleep,” John murmured affectionately, and shouldered Ronon out of the way to get at Rodney, deftly slipping his arms around the tired scientist when Rodney collapsed into his chest. “Get some sleep, Teyla, Ronon. I’ll make sure McKay gets some rest.”

5.

John scrubbed his hand through his hair, his aviators slipping down his nose. “They want us to sing.”

“What?” Corporal Anders and Rodney chorused together, then looked at each other and grimaced.

“To share culture. They need two people to sing together.”

Anders raised his hands in the air. “Sorry, sir, I’m a soldier, not a musician. Tone deaf.”

“Oh, you are not making me sing, Colonel. I swear to God, if you actually make me si-”

John rolled his eyes and slapped Rodney across the back of his head. “Oh, please. You act like I’ve never heard you singing in the decontamination showers. Besides, Teyla and Ronon aren’t here, so it’s us. Suck it up, soldier.”

Rodney hesitated then expelled all his breath from his chest explosively. “Fine! But, I swear to all the powers of physics, if you even think about Johnny Cash, I will make your life miserable. I will snap your golf clubs!”

“Yeah, yeah, McKay. Move it.” John stayed back as Rodney stalked towards the Chieftain, and he leaned in close to Anders. “Keep an eye out, Corporal.” He paused. “And if you know what’s best for you, you won’t laugh.”

Anders nodded seriously and watched as John and Rodney were herded into a large white tent with Chieftain. He kept his hand on his P-90, but delved into his backpack to find his recorder. Zelenka would relinquish many, many DVDs for this gem.

When Rodney and John emerged, they were sufficiently diva-ed: bright red lipstick, heavy kohl and blue eyeshadow. Anders will forever regret not bringing a camera, and will go through years of therapy to forget how hot they looked.

And then he choked on his laughter as they posed together and started to sing. “How do you do, I see you’ve met my faithful handyman. He’s just a little put out because, when you knocked, he thought you were the candyman.”

6.

“Okay, okay,” John swiped the back of his hand across his mouth, wiping the remnants of not-whiskey from his chin. “I’ve never slept with someone at least a decade younger than me,” He said, idly rolling his shot glass in his palm.

“Hey!” Rodney looked at him in outrage. “That’s not how the game works!”

John held up his hands placatingly. “I needed a break, okay. Not all of us can hold our booze like you, McAA.”

Rodney rolled his eyes and muttered under his breath, pouring a shot and knocking it back with a grimace.

Eyes widening, John scrambled up from his horizontal position, swaying awkwardly as he nudged Teyla with his foot, prompting a moan from the snoozing Athosian. “What?! McKay, you dog, have you been holding out on us?”

“Okay, look, it’s entirely possible that I slept with Lex Luthor. Shut up.” Rodney added pre-emptively.

“Well, then. I’ve never had sex with someone at least a decade older than me.” John shot back, lurching forward when Ronon tapped his head.

“I thought it was my turn,” Ronon growled, and John flapped his hand at him tipsily.

“Wait a minute, I wanna explore McKay’s sexual depravity first. So, McKay, gonna drink?”

Rodney grimaced and took a swig straight from the bottle, swallowing smoothly and gaining a reluctant nod of admiration from Ronon. “It’s, uh, also entirely possible that I slept with Lionel Luthor, too.”

“Oh my god,” John said with all the conviction of the almost-drunk. “McKay, you slut! Also, the Luthors?!”

Rodney curled forward, hands over his eyes. “God, I know.” He moaned, scandalised at himself. “Though in my defence, I only slept with Lionel cause I owed Lex one.”

John pouted. “But you haven’t in forever, right?”

Ronon snatched the bottle from Rodney and started drinking as well.

7.

Rodney slammed into his seat, prompting an amused smile from Teyla, a roll of the eyes from Zelenka, and indifference from John.

Well. That won’t do.

Rodney kicked John's ankle and grinned triumphantly at his muffled curse. “So, I got the results from the Anthro poll.”

Looking back to his dinner, John sighed. “That’s nice, Rodney.”

“No, no, it’s not nice. We won best couple.”

“Best couple of what?”

Rodney looked to the sky for guidance. Or Atlantis’ high ceilings. “This is what I have to deal with,” he said to Zelenka. “this is the man who is in charge of my life off-world. How am I alive? How is this my life?”

“Coin toss?” John suggested cheerfully.

“No, idiot, that was you. And hello, we won best couple. As in, Harry and Sally, Jack and Ianto, math and physics. Best couple.”

Teyla smiled beatifically. “Congratulations, Rodney, John.”

“No, no, no congratulations! We aren’t a couple!”

“What a horrible thing to say, Shnookums!” John said, faking shocked horror, and ducked when Rodney slapped at his head.

8.

“John, there is nothing more that can be done for him right now. He must rest, and so must you.” Teyla said, leaning over John and resting her hand just where his neck met shoulder, half covered by cloth and half bare and vulnerable.

John shook his head, hair flopping over his forehead and into his eyes. He pushed it back with a trembling hand, almost imperceptible shakes. “It was too close this time, Teyla. How long can we keep dodging death?”

“We will as long as we have to. Colonel, Doctor McKay is a strong, good man. He will heal. We will all heal. But first, you must rest. Sleep, John.”

“I will. I will. Later, though, okay? I’ll just sit for a while, then I’ll go to sleep, I promise.” John's shoulders slumped forward and he curled over Rodney, one hand slipping to rest along his inner thigh even as he let his forehead drop into the hollow of Rodney's clavicle.

Ronon cast a look at Teyla and she nodded back, swiping a tired hand over a bloody cheek. “We will stay also, John. Now is not the time to retreat into isolation.”

John nodded. “It’s not that, it’s just, I love him, you know? I love him and he almost died today. He’s my best friend, he’s my scientist, he’s my Spock!”

“He’ll be fine, Sheppard,” Ronon rumbled, and drifted closer to clap his hand heavily on John's back. “McKay always is,”

“Yeah. I know,” John said, and curled into Rodney a little further, timing his breaths with the steady beat of the heart monitor.

9.

“You got married,” Elizabeth repeated, folding her arms together on her desk. The left corner of her mouth twitched and Rodney scowled.

“It wasn’t so much a marriage as a, uh-” John glared and slumped down further in his seat.

“A civil union?” Elizabeth suggested, and suppressed a smile as Carson snorted.

“Alright, look; it wasn’t our fault, we didn’t ask for it, how can we be blamed for such a backwards society? They believe that two is the holy number, and only ‘bonded pairs’- and what the hell does that mean, anyway?- can enter their stupid sacred temple. And then they said that our bond isn’t recognised under their laws when we said that we were already bonded, so we had to go through that stupid ritual, and anyway, is it important? No. The temple was a bust, so we came home. The end. Period.”

“I see. And what did this bonding entail?”

“Um,” Rodney said.

“Uh,” John said.

“Doctor McKay and Colonel Sheppard simply passed the time for a sun-circle, together, in the bonding temple. It was a great honour.” Teyla cut in, and Elizabeth nodded knowingly.

“Well, thank you, John, Rodney. I believe that’s all for now.” She paused, then smirked. “Unless you’d like some time off for a honeymoon?”

10.

“Hey,” John said, and dropped next to Rodney, leaning comfortable against the broad trunk of the tree. Firelight danced over his face from the Athosian bonfire, and he knocked his shoulder against Rodney's lightly.

“Hey,” Rodney returned, and propped his head on John's shoulder, and slipped his hand into John's, and smiled quietly when John dropped a kiss in Rodney's hair.